Congrats! You’ve moved up in world! You’re the proud owner of a home in Nelson’s Creek!
Time to shed the old you!
Fuck Dundee. Bunch of rich kids pretending to be poor and pedophiles making sure they’re at least 500 feet from a school at any given point. Sure, it’s got character, much like the real estate agent said. But she failed to mention ‘character’ meant your mouth-breathing, shirtless neighbor would be welding lawn chairs together in a drunken stupor at 3:00am in a triumphant celebration of defeating the city and their “blighted property” laws. It wasn’t much better on the other side, where a bunch of hippies would hang out on their porch all day. If they were regular hippies it wouldn’t be a problem. They’d probably just leave you alone. But these were trust fund hippies. This meant they not only listened to shitty jam bands, but also 311. And if that just about isn’t the worst shit in the world. The fat one also once shouted how hot he thought your wife was.
“I love ‘em natural, bro!”
You wanted to stab him.
No mind. You worked your way up. Long, long, long, long hours at HDR. You’d sit and struggle with your work, not sure if anyone noticed. You would slave away, calling your wife to tell her to hold off on dinner, you’ll be home. “Sorry honey, I won’t be able to make it to the movies tonight.” Yeah, you worked so hard.
You made a decent living. Enough for Stephanie to be attracted to you. Sorry, I didn’t want it to come out like that. I mean, she was attracted to you before, way back when you met at that mixer. She dug you then, but you know you can’t keep her around forever with your sexual prowess and fantastic body. You and I both know your dad was bald by 30. Girl does yoga.
Anyway, a few months ago you got the news. No more taking orders from everyone. You now can boss around several of your former co-workers. Welcome to middle management! In recognition of not quitting or being fired for four years you are now promoted to a new job within the company where basically you do the same thing but because Steve took off to Florida to work in that brand new Sewer plant engineering firm you now get an extra $25k a year and…look at this…ASSIGNED PARKING!
Flash forward to today. You finally close on your house. You read the rules of the Housing Authoritas. You’re excited. You have never had to be told to mow your yard before – you have always just done it because you’re responsible! You’re going to fit in PERFECTLY.
But as you proudly stroll in front of your new house, you realize something. You’re going to need new friends. People living in midtown just don’t get West O. “It’s so far away” they’ll say “we can’t come visit.” Fuck them.
While cruising around Village Pointe, you figure it out. You don’t have the West Omaha Uniform. You need to get to Shields immediately and get black shoes, black mesh collared shirts and shorts, and black sunglasses. All by Nike. You live in West O, you have to dress like you’re perpetually involved in a ProAm charity golf event. Oh, don’t forget to stop by the Apple store and get an iPhone. And a bluetooth. Cause nothing says “I’m busy making deals” like an earpiece mated to a iPhone.
Later that night, you try to figure out how to tell Stephanie the news. You need to get her a breast augmentation immediately. How can you make friends with the high rollers of high society if they don’t mentally fuck your wife every time she walks in a room? She’s gonna need a host of white tanktops and shorts. And a visor. And probably goofy ass sunglasses. And gold. Yeah. That’ll be gre….
HOLY SHIT YOU DRIVE A HYUNDAI.
This will not do! This will not do! What the fuck is an Azera? KOREAN? You might as well be black out here. In midtown a Hyundai might say “smart, affordable, reliable and pleasant styling” but in WeOm it screams “I OWN AN INDIAN RESTAURANT” or “I’M A POOR RELATIVE OF SOMEONE WHO LIVES IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.” Driving a Hyundai in West Omaha will get the cops called on you by the Neighborhood Watch.
No, you need to get her something better. Because after she starts pooping out your offspring you’re gonna need her to look her best all the time when dropping them off at school or the swimming pool. And just like all the other enhanced mothers in West Omaha, she’s gonna need a Lexus. And not just any Lexus, but an RX350.
Think about it. Just because there’s three feet of snow on the ground doesn’t mean she’s gonna get to skip her Botox treatments. She’ll have virtually no excuse now that she has an AWD Camry SUV finely tuned Japanese luxury machine. Nothing is gonna stop her from looking her best for you! And since you’re both boring as fuck, you should buy a beige one.
So don’t worry. With your job, her new c-cups, and a brand new Lexus, you’re going to fit in with everybody else. Nobody will ever guess that you once voted for John Kerry and don’t like cigars. Everyone has their blemishes, but that’s why you buy a Lexus. To cover up your past mistakes and to say “Look at me world! I’m ready to fit in!”
2009 Lexus RX350
$35,413
