You don’t appreciate shit. Your family raised you in West Omaha. You had a Playstation 1, 2, and even though you’re now 26, your mom still got you a Playstation 3 because you wanted it. Before that you had every Nintendo, treehouse, and even that sweet Huffy with the chain guard and big number 3 on the front. But what do you care? You’re entitled.
Your mom worked so hard trying to raise you right. But you’d throw fits and stomp around like a seven year old, even into your 20s. You’re an embarrassment to take anywhere.
Nobody likes your company because all you can talk about is yourself and, frankly, you’re not that interesting. You have never faced adversity and probably never will. You breezed your way through Community College, have a girlfriend who gives you everything you need, and when you need any extra money you just call your grandma.
But about Grandma. She always listened. She always was welcome to hear your stupid problems. She really believed in you. And now she’s sick.
Grandpa passed away a few years ago and Gran has been living on her own. It’s sad, really. She’s been on your side through thick and thin – the DUI, the run-away, the 2nd DUI. You last visited her a few months ago, but when she got sick you were just too sad to realize that she’s old. She still has all of the pep and spunk of a60 year old, but at 78, she’s showing her age.
Since Grandpa died, she wasn’t able to make payments on the Buick, so your dad helped her sell the car. Fixed incomes aren’t good when you have a $250 payment every month. So Grandma has been borrowing cars and using public transportation, but she needs her own.
But what to get? Grandma doesn’t need anything fast or modern looking. She’s not a speed demon. But she does need something with power. Something to propel her down the on-ramp without feeling tiny or nervous because she has no ability to merge. Since her friends are getting older and losing their cars too, she’ll need something to carry her friends. Nothing coupe-like or small. That just won’t work. Plus, Grandma doesn’t care about trends. She grew up in the 40′s and 50′s. The bigger the better.
And since she’s old and her reaction time is diminished, she needs a safe car. Something big so that if she does hit a house, she does more damage to, you know, the house than her. Giant hoods are a plus. Grandma also buys American. Marylin, her best friend, implores her not to buy German (because of the war). Marylin’s husband pleads with her not to buy Japanese (because of the war). And your dad begs her not to buy Swedish because you’re part of a nice conservative family that sure as hell won’t be using their car as a billboard for Obama stickers.
Most importantly, she needs something comfortable that lacks that modern (and confusing) multi-zone climate controls, navigation, treble and bass knobs, and push button starts.
All of those things sound like you should, with all of the money you’ve been saving for years, talk to your parents about going in halfsies on a Mercury Grand-Marquis.
V8. Comfy Seats. Easy to figure out controls.
The coolest thing about it is it’s fucking huge. The only thing you have to worry about with Grandma behind the wheel of this thing is getting potential lawsuits from victims claiming negligence because you put a massively powerful weapon into the hands of a 96 lb 78 year old with no peripheral vision and slow reflexes.
Farmers Markets, beware.
Feel better about yourself. It won’t make up for the years of petulant, child-like, bitchy, behavior you’ve undeservedly forced upon your family and friends, but it will at least give you collateral the next time your bitch sister tells you that the family is tired of you not pulling your weight.
88,404 miles – $6514
