One of the most common desires of my clients is to regain the youthful innocence and vitality they had when they were in their 20s. They do this first by realizing that their days on this earth are numbered. Next, they’ll usually leave their spouse. Third, they’ll undergo some drastic body change. Fourth, they’ll buy a car.
“Mr. Rutter. My kids just left the house. I feel old. I’ve worked a job I hate for twenty years so my self-important children can live a life of luxury. Meanwhile my spouse has turned me into someone who she can’t talk to, let alone copulate with. I’ve moved into an apartment in Dundee and have bought a guitar. I’m ready to move on. Do you have a car that reflects my personality?”
Okay, well, to be honest, it’s never said that explicitly. That was a pretty sweeping exaggeration.
Anyway, who doesn’t want that feeling back? To step outside and notice how the air smells. To walk down the sidewalk and skip over the cracks for fear of supernatural retribution. To drink soda from the bottle and pizza without a fork.
You can do it.
There’s more than one path to accomplish this. However, the easiest is to start where you will be spending most of your time.
Since you quit your upper-management job at ConAgra and are looking for something in retail, you’ll be doing a lot of driving and looking for jobs. Gosh, you didn’t realize how much you’d be driving. And nothing says “over-qualified d-Bag” quite like an C-Class or ES. So you need to find something that is comfortable like your Benz, but speaks to the kids. Something that’s under the radar, but isn’t too flashy.
At first you were thinking Subaru WRX. You went and took one for a test drive and were not impressed. Yeah, it had a giant wing which made you feel like your 23 year old son, but do you really want twenty-something Asian kids asking about your anime collection every time you stop for a Coke Zero? No, it will probably turn off the depressingly weird dental assistant you’ve taken on a date and that won’t result in a hand job.
Then, you stopped at the Mitsubishi dealership but realized that you moved out of your parents basement 32 years ago and it just screams “Look at me!!!!!! You won’t be interested in what you find!”
Now what?
Well, did you know that Volvo made a sports car? Probably not. Not a lot of people do. One of the major flaws of Volvo Car Corporation is their shitty advertising. Honestly, when was the last time you’ve seen a Volvo commerical?
Regardless.
The S60R is the perfect combination of all things explicitly awesome. 300 horsepower. All-wheel drive. Blue leather. Respectability. And you deserve that. From the ladies. From your ex-wife. From your son. Impress them all.
After all, Volvo has always been the sensible choice. Remember when Katherine had Ryan back in ’91 and she really wanted a wagon? You guys both went and drove a Volvo, but the ridiculously high price and horrific looks turned you away. You bought an Explorer.
You also looked at a C70 when Jen went to school but bought a Sebring instead.
But this Volvo merely looks sensible. There’s nothing logical about this. Why do you need a high pressure turbo five cylinder engine? Why do you need a manual six speed? Why do you need motorized xenon headlights? All of this in a car that doesn’t really look that different from the non-R variant.
You don’t. And that’s why you must buy it. You don’t need the three bedroom apartment. You don’t need the five gallons of protein shake. You don’t need a 76 inch television. But you have them.
You like silver. Your ex hates it. You like leather. Your ex despises it. You like speed. Your ex was terrified.
Buck up. Be a man. Do it.
