Cars to be posted

A 2007 Chevy Tahoe

A Honda Civic Hybrid

And others to come tomorrow.

First Podcast

Our manager Ben Burnham, has really gotten into the idea of blogging. He says it really “lofts us into the future.”

He’s not good at much and doesn’t want to spend a lot on the whole production.

Instead of me, he himself did it. Fortunately for us, he has no fucking idea how to check his email without asking his 14 year old son, let alone get to this website to see what I write about him.

VCV Podcast

$250 a month!

Is achieveable if you put like, $12k down. Damn.

Welome to West Omaha!

Congrats! You’ve moved up in world! You’re the proud owner of a home in Nelson’s Creek!

Time to shed the old you!

Fuck Dundee. Bunch of rich kids pretending to be poor and pedophiles making sure they’re at least 500 feet from a school at any given point. Sure, it’s got character, much like the real estate agent said. But she failed to mention ‘character’ meant your mouth-breathing, shirtless neighbor would be welding lawn chairs together in a drunken stupor at 3:00am in a triumphant celebration of defeating the city and their “blighted property” laws. It wasn’t much better on the other side, where a bunch of hippies would hang out on their porch all day. If they were regular hippies it wouldn’t be a problem. They’d probably just leave you alone. But these were trust fund hippies. This meant they not only listened to shitty jam bands, but also 311. And if that just about isn’t the worst shit in the world. The fat one also once shouted how hot he thought your wife was.

“I love ‘em natural, bro!”

You wanted to stab him.

No mind. You worked your way up. Long, long, long, long hours at HDR. You’d sit and struggle with your work, not sure if anyone noticed. You would slave away, calling your wife to tell her to hold off on dinner, you’ll be home. “Sorry honey, I won’t be able to make it to the movies tonight.” Yeah, you worked so hard.

You made a decent living. Enough for Stephanie to be attracted to you. Sorry, I didn’t want it to come out like that. I mean, she was attracted to you before, way back when you met at that mixer. She dug you then, but you know you can’t keep her around forever with your sexual prowess and fantastic body. You and I both know your dad was bald by 30. Girl does yoga.

Anyway, a few months ago you got the news. No more taking orders from everyone. You now can boss around several of your former co-workers. Welcome to middle management! In recognition of not quitting or being fired for four years you are now promoted to a new job within the company where basically you do the same thing but because Steve took off to Florida to work in that brand new Sewer plant engineering firm you now get an extra $25k a year and…look at this…ASSIGNED PARKING!

Flash forward to today. You finally close on your house. You read the rules of the Housing Authoritas. You’re excited. You have never had to be told to mow your yard before – you have always just done it because you’re responsible! You’re going to fit in PERFECTLY.

But as you proudly stroll in front of your new house, you realize something. You’re going to need new friends. People living in midtown just don’t get West O. “It’s so far away” they’ll say “we can’t come visit.” Fuck them.

While cruising around Village Pointe, you figure it out. You don’t have the West Omaha Uniform. You need to get to Shields immediately and get black shoes, black mesh collared shirts and shorts, and black sunglasses. All by Nike. You live in West O, you have to dress like you’re perpetually involved in a ProAm charity golf event. Oh, don’t forget to stop by the Apple store and get an iPhone. And a bluetooth. Cause nothing says “I’m busy making deals” like an earpiece mated to a iPhone.

Later that night, you try to figure out how to tell Stephanie the news. You need to get her a breast augmentation immediately. How can you make friends with the high rollers of high society if they don’t mentally fuck your wife every time she walks in a room? She’s gonna need a host of white tanktops and shorts. And a visor. And probably goofy ass sunglasses. And gold. Yeah. That’ll be gre….

HOLY SHIT YOU DRIVE A HYUNDAI.

This will not do! This will not do! What the fuck is an Azera? KOREAN? You might as well be black out here. In midtown a Hyundai might say “smart, affordable, reliable and pleasant styling” but in WeOm it screams “I OWN AN INDIAN RESTAURANT” or “I’M A POOR RELATIVE OF SOMEONE WHO LIVES IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.” Driving a Hyundai in West Omaha will get the cops called on you by the Neighborhood Watch.

No, you need to get her something better. Because after she starts pooping out your offspring you’re gonna need her to look her best all the time when dropping them off at school or the swimming pool. And just like all the other enhanced mothers in West Omaha, she’s gonna need a Lexus. And not just any Lexus, but an RX350.

Think about it. Just because there’s three feet of snow on the ground doesn’t mean she’s gonna get to skip her Botox treatments. She’ll have virtually no excuse now that she has an AWD Camry SUV finely tuned Japanese luxury machine. Nothing is gonna stop her from looking her best for you! And since you’re both boring as fuck, you should buy a beige one.

So don’t worry. With your job, her new c-cups, and a brand new Lexus, you’re going to fit in with everybody else. Nobody will ever guess that you once voted for John Kerry and don’t like cigars. Everyone has their blemishes, but that’s why you buy a Lexus. To cover up your past mistakes and to say “Look at me world! I’m ready to fit in!”

2009 Lexus RX350
$35,413

More cars coming!

We’re running a bit behind. We are committed to bringing you the best deals in the WORLD. The fucking world, man.

But so what, right? That’s what everyone says!

Well, we take the time to figure out who you are, so we know what works best for you.

Yes, we know best.

Look for updates today and tomorrow.

‘I Have Bad Taste’ Special

Every week we’ll run our ‘I Have Bad Taste’ Special, where a car is, well, special.

This week, it’s our exceptional, comfortable and fun to drive Toyota Venza! It’s very roomy, low miles, and just about all the options.

This is a milestone product for Toyota. It has the most important safety feature in the last ten years. It’s a very functional Pedestrian Avoidance System. Best described in the manual on page 54, this feature involves several new technologies to  decrease the chance that a pedestrian will be hit by this car.

“Toyota always looks towards the future and the PAS is no different. By creating a car so horrendously wretched looking, nobody will stand within several feet –  we can now claim to be the leaders in in-cabin as well as outer-cabin safety.”

Instant Gentrification

You don’t appreciate shit. Your family raised you in West Omaha. You had a Playstation 1, 2, and even though you’re now 26, your mom still got you a Playstation 3 because you wanted it. Before that you had every Nintendo, treehouse, and even that sweet Huffy with the chain guard and big number 3 on the front. But what do you care? You’re entitled.

Your mom worked so hard trying to raise you right. But you’d throw fits and stomp around like a seven year old, even into your 20s. You’re an embarrassment to take anywhere.

Nobody likes your company because all you can talk about is yourself and, frankly, you’re not that interesting. You have never faced adversity and probably never will. You breezed your way through Community College, have a girlfriend who gives you everything you need, and when you need any extra money you just call your grandma.

But about Grandma. She always listened. She always was welcome to hear your stupid problems. She really believed in you. And now she’s sick.

Grandpa passed away a few years ago and Gran has been living on her own. It’s sad, really. She’s been on your side through thick and thin – the DUI, the run-away, the 2nd DUI. You last visited her a few months ago, but when she got sick you were just too sad to realize that she’s old. She still has all of the pep and spunk of a60 year old, but at 78, she’s showing her age.

Since Grandpa died, she wasn’t able to make payments on the Buick, so your dad helped her sell the car. Fixed incomes aren’t good when you have a $250 payment every month. So Grandma has been borrowing cars and using public transportation, but she needs her own.

But what to get? Grandma doesn’t need anything fast or modern looking. She’s not a speed demon. But she does need something with power. Something to propel her down the on-ramp without feeling tiny or nervous because she has no ability to merge. Since her friends are getting older and losing their cars too, she’ll need something to carry her friends. Nothing coupe-like or small. That just won’t work.  Plus, Grandma doesn’t care about trends. She grew up in the 40′s and 50′s. The bigger the better.

And since she’s old and her reaction time is diminished, she needs a safe car. Something big so that if she does hit a house, she does more damage to, you know, the house than her. Giant hoods are a plus. Grandma also buys American. Marylin, her best friend, implores her not to buy German (because of the war). Marylin’s husband pleads with her not to buy Japanese (because of the war). And your dad begs her not to buy Swedish because you’re part of a nice conservative family that sure as hell won’t be using their car as a billboard for Obama stickers.

Most importantly, she needs something comfortable that lacks that modern (and confusing) multi-zone climate controls,  navigation, treble and bass knobs, and push button starts.

All of those things sound like you should, with all of the money you’ve been saving for years, talk to your parents about going in halfsies on a Mercury Grand-Marquis.

V8. Comfy Seats. Easy to figure out controls.

The coolest thing about it is it’s fucking huge. The only thing you have to worry about with Grandma behind the wheel of this thing is getting potential lawsuits from victims claiming negligence because you put a massively powerful weapon into the hands of a 96 lb 78 year old with no peripheral vision and slow reflexes.

Farmers Markets, beware.

Feel better about yourself. It won’t make up for the years of petulant, child-like, bitchy, behavior you’ve undeservedly forced upon your family and friends, but it will at least give you collateral the next time your bitch sister tells you that the family is tired of you not pulling your weight.

88,404 miles – $6514

The Best Coach Vending Yet!

We don’t have balloons because balloons are for assholes.  There’s all sorts of dealerships that might have that, but here at Voluble Coach Vending, we’ll never inundate you with false advertising pitches or screaming. I can’t scream. Why buy from a dealership that spends all of their money on balloons? They’re made from rubber, and rubber is made from oil, and if you’ve been at the pump lately, you know they’re spending quite a bit on balloons.

Remember, who would you rather trust your next investment to? Some guy with a tie? Psh, ties are for assholes. Just like balloons.

You want something on here, email me.

volublecoachvending@gmail.com

Cool.

Be a man.

One of the most common desires of my clients is to regain the youthful innocence and vitality they had when they were in their 20s. They do this first by realizing that their days on this earth are numbered. Next, they’ll usually leave their spouse. Third, they’ll undergo some drastic body change. Fourth, they’ll buy a car.

“Mr. Rutter. My kids just left the house. I feel old. I’ve worked a job I hate for twenty years so my self-important children can live a life of luxury. Meanwhile my spouse has turned me into someone who she can’t talk to, let alone copulate with. I’ve moved into an apartment in Dundee and have bought a guitar. I’m ready to move on. Do you have a car that reflects my personality?”

Okay, well, to be honest, it’s never said that explicitly. That was a pretty sweeping exaggeration.

Anyway, who doesn’t want that feeling back? To step outside and notice how the air smells. To walk down the sidewalk and skip over the cracks for fear of supernatural retribution. To drink soda from the bottle and pizza without a fork.
You can do it.

There’s more than one path to accomplish this. However, the easiest is to start where you will be spending most of your time.

Since you quit your upper-management job at ConAgra and  are looking for something in retail, you’ll be doing a lot of driving and looking for jobs. Gosh, you didn’t realize how much you’d be driving. And nothing says “over-qualified d-Bag” quite like an C-Class or ES. So you need to find something that is comfortable like your Benz, but speaks to the kids. Something that’s under the radar, but isn’t too flashy.

At first you were thinking Subaru WRX. You went and took one for a test drive and were not impressed. Yeah, it had a giant wing which made you feel like your 23 year old son, but do you really want twenty-something Asian kids asking about your anime collection every time you stop for a Coke Zero? No, it will probably turn off the depressingly weird dental assistant you’ve taken on a date and that won’t result in a hand job.

Then, you stopped at the Mitsubishi dealership but realized that you moved out of your parents basement 32 years ago and it just screams “Look at me!!!!!! You won’t be interested in what you find!”

Now what?

Well, did you know that Volvo made a sports car? Probably not. Not a lot of people do. One of the major flaws of Volvo Car Corporation is their shitty advertising. Honestly, when was the last time you’ve seen a Volvo commerical?

Regardless.

The S60R is the perfect combination of all things explicitly awesome. 300 horsepower. All-wheel drive. Blue leather. Respectability. And you deserve that. From the ladies. From your ex-wife. From your son. Impress them all.

After all, Volvo has always been the sensible choice. Remember when Katherine had Ryan back in ’91 and she really wanted a wagon? You guys both went and drove a Volvo, but the ridiculously high price and horrific looks turned you away. You bought an Explorer.

You also looked at a C70 when Jen went to school but bought a Sebring instead.

But this Volvo merely looks sensible. There’s nothing logical about this. Why do you need a high pressure turbo five cylinder engine? Why do you need a manual six speed? Why do you need  motorized xenon headlights? All of this in a car that doesn’t really look that different from the non-R variant.

You don’t. And that’s why you must buy it. You don’t need the three bedroom apartment. You don’t need the five gallons of protein shake. You don’t need a 76 inch television. But you have them.

You like silver. Your ex hates it. You like leather. Your ex despises it. You like speed. Your ex was terrified.

Buck up. Be a man. Do it.

Who would like to look respectable?

Let’s face it, you’ve never grown up. You’ve lived on the road, touring for most of what you call your ‘Adult’ life. Or you stay up all night, slaving away on some album from a band that you like – the can of tuna and diet Rite are the only things keeping your weary eyes open at 3:30am.

Your mom keeps calling, wondering where her grandkids are. Your dad, given up on you years ago, sent your sister to check up on you and to let you know that as soon as you decide to quit fucking around and join the work force and actually use the diploma he spent 20 years saving for, then he’ll help you out with your bills. As you read this, you can’t remember why your keyboard is sticky – but you ran out of paper towels last week and don’t feel like looking through fast food bags in the trash, hoping to find a spare piece of napkin to clean it. Only because you think you might be out of toilet paper.

Well, clean this shit up man. You know you’re gonna make it on the next record, that we all know. However, until that time, it’s stupid to pretend that people don’t judge you.

But you’ve been working on it. Your jeans cost less than the expensive European cigarette that burned the hole in the left pant leg. They also haven’t been washed in three weeks. You have a shirt with an animal on it with x’s over its eyes. It’s from Kid Robot. People like that.

You’ve worked on your “fear” of people. Now you go out and let everyone know that you’re out, but you don’t go to this bar often. People like that.

But then, when you and the drummer from that band from Denver hop in your car to go pick up that t, you suddenly realize you’re not complete.

People who are taken seriously drive cars that are as effortless as they are practical. Yours is neither. It smells weird. It’s ugly. It runs rough. It has that little area below the emergency brake that has four years of cigarettes, pot, and coffee baked into a nice, hairy, pit of despair – with a few pennies thrown in for good measure.

It’s not a “brand of car” thing. I know people who love Yugos. Nothing wrong with that. It’s that your car doesn’t personify you. Sure, it’s just transportation. But you can’t bitch about the environment when your car spews more fluid than a BP rig.

No, you need something that’s more in line with how you feel today.

You work hard for a living. You’re reliable. You’re efficient.

Manual Transmission

You’re not fancy. You don’t let things affect you. You clean up well.

Beige Cloth

You enjoy the outdoors. Not enough to actually go outside.

Sunroof

You have carpal tunnel or a similar hand disorder from a music related activity.

Power Windows / Power Locks

You have a terrifying fear of dying in a horrific mechanical related accident.

Airbags

You appreciate nice footwear – mostly because when pretty girls start talking to the group of friends you’re standing around with, it’s the only thing you can look at lest you vomit from nervousness.

Alloy Wheels

You’re caucasian. The 90′s were your favorite time period.

1998 Volkswagen

You pay for things you like, but want to get a good deal because eating just Jimmy Johns bread sucks, man.

Sub $5000

Even though you haven’t had many partners, you suspect your last girlfriend has. But that’s okay. Cause she wasn’t afraid to touch you with your shirt off. You’re not afraid of miles. Especially not on something so perfectly right as a 1998 Volkswagen Jetta with 118,000 miles for $4,791.